Thank you all for faithfully reading my journal entries about our experience with Ben’s dementia. You have been so encouraging over the last year and a half as you have sent me notes and comments. Our job as caregivers has not ended, but it has changed enough that I don’t feel the need to regularly journal about it. So, unless something changes, this will be my last entry.
The Peel
It’s no surprise that Ben has not warmed up to his new home. Each time my husband or his mother goes to visit, Ben begs to leave. He isn’t sleeping well, the new caregivers don’t know him and can’t anticipate his needs, he recognizes that he isn’t getting better in this new place, and some of the other residents are having disturbing episodes that bother him. He’s having more delusions and is refusing to take his medication at times.
As Ben’s family and former caregivers, it is tempting to consider taking him back or moving him to another facility. Ben’s misery is real. Our sense of compassion wants to relieve him of his misery. We know that he was getting the best care possible in our home since he was the center of our attention at every moment and because we were motivated by love above all other things.
The Fruit
But then we remember that this is how he was at the beginning of his stay with us, too. Even after a year and a half, Ben never let go of his desire to leave and he never accepted the fatal condition of his illness, though he did finally settle into a routine at our house. Since he has only been at his new home for two weeks, it’s no surprise that he is being uncooperative. Moving him did not change anything other than who receives his wrath.
To some degree, I feel like we are having to relearn so many of the lessons again. But, now we are learning them through new eyes. His emergencies are not our emergencies. It’s best to show him honor even if it means compromising honesty. His emotions do not define who he is nor who we are. If he is not a danger to himself or others, then he is in capable hands. We have to continually remind ourselves of these truths so we don’t go down the road of “what ifs”.
Ben doesn’t have to be happy for us to know he is in decent condition. His care doesn’t have to be up to our standards for it to be adequate. No matter where he stays or who takes care of him, he is only going to be getting worse. He is unlikely to be patient, kind, or content no matter where he is living. Our sanity and happiness is also valuable. Moving him at this stage may prevent a future crisis that we won’t be able to manage.
This is our current lesson - things don’t have to be perfect for everything to be okay. We can be confident that we made the right decision even though we are not feeling completely relieved or pleased with the results.
To all you caregivers out there, be encouraged. What you are doing for your loved one or fellow human being, it is good even if it isn’t perfect.
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My commandment is this—to love one another just as I have loved you. No one has greater love than this—that one lays down his life for his friends.
John 15:12-13 (NET)
… whoever wants to be great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first among you must be the slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”
Mark 10:43-45
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