Ben died last week. Just four months after he left our house, he gave up his last breath and ended his suffering. It is the end of an era for him and for us. Even after months of praying for his end to be swift, we are still left feeling stunned and sad due to our loss. We thank God for answering so many of our requests and for the assurance that Ben has entered into a new life where reunions exist without loss, joy exists without sorrow, and love exists without pain. Our loss is real, but it does not need to be permanent.
The legacy left behind by Ben is this - God is at work in ways that we cannot see. Pain is the gateway to something with greater purpose. Peel gives access to fruit. Knowing this allows “the peel” to be bearable and beneficial. If we can be confident that fruit will come from pain, then we can approach any suffering with an attitude of anticipation.
The Peel
These last four months have been a whirlwind. Often our visits would find Ben wearing other people’s clothing, missing items from his room, climbing up on furniture, and napping endlessly. His dementia caused him to have delusions, fear, anger, and memory loss. Sometimes he recognized his loved ones and other times he didn’t. His medications were constantly changing in hopes to relieve his pain but keep him conscious. He fell twice and needed stitches.
His caretakers were constantly kept on their toes. They gave him very personal loving care. He needed 24-hour supervision and they did what they could.
His final fall resulted in a subdural hematoma. Joe, the owner of the home, rushed him to the hospital to get the diagnosis. Afterward, he took Ben to Chick-fil-A for his final chicken sandwich and his last Cookies-and-Cream milkshake (with no toppings, but with a cup of water on the side and a water lid on the milkshake and 2 straws). Then he took him to a park for his final moment outside. Less than a week later, the bleeding on Ben’s brain caused his body to stop functioning altogether. A merciful quick finish that ended with his wife being at his bedside during his last few moments of life.
The Fruit
Ben will be remembered as someone who was excited for God and who was excited to be with people.
He wasn’t always excited for God, but he and his wife placed their faith in Jesus after they had been married for 20+ years. They wholeheartedly followed God’s guidance and prayed for people to be healed physically, financially, and emotionally. They coached folks out of debt and counseled still others out of despair. Ben spontaneously prayed boldly over people whether they asked for it or not! He clung to the Word of God until the very end. The few times he could get his mind off of his misery was when he was reading his Bible or watching a movie about the life of Jesus.
Ben was always excited about being around people. He was always ready with a compliment that began with “He is the greatest …” or “You would not believe what this guy did!” He loved to tell a good story as a way of connecting with someone. He really understood the importance of smiling. Our friends became his friends instantly. His face lit up particularly when he saw the men from Bible study. You knew he loved you when he got that twinkle in his eye and played a prank on you. Even in his last days, he pretended to toss his plate to the floor and then smiled at the caretaker. With Ben, just being together was a good enough reason to cheat on his diet and share an icecream with you.
I will forever be grateful for Ben’s influence in my life and on my husband. Because of the changes he saw in his dad as a result of knowing Jesus, my husband also investigated Jesus and became a true Christian. Because of Ben’s decisions to prioritize family over career, my husband longed to have a family and be dedicated to it. Because of Ben’s dementia and him living with us, we both grew in faith, patience, perseverance, and gratitude.
What Ben went through was horrific, but it was not wasted. God has already used it for good in so many ways. I think that would make Ben happy to know that this is his legacy.
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But now Christ has been raised from the dead, the firstfruits of those who have fallen asleep. For since death came through a man, the resurrection of the dead also came through a man. For just as in Adam all die, so also in Christ all will be made alive. But each in his own order: Christ, the firstfruits; then when Christ comes, those who belong to him.
1 Corinthians 15:20-23 (NET)
There is nothing better for people than to eat and drink, and to find enjoyment in their work.
I also perceived that this ability to find enjoyment comes from God. ... God has made everything fit beautifully in its appropriate time, but he has also placed ignorance in the human heart so that people cannot discover what God has ordained, from the beginning to the end of their lives.
Ecclesiastes 2:24, 3:11 (NET)
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