Healing Days

Swinging from one extreme to the next seems to be part of the dementia experience. But, I hesitate to call them “bad” days and “good” days because it reminds me of bad and good behavior. Ben doesn’t have control over most of his behavior - the disease controls him and his behavior reflects its effects.

I prefer to call them “difficult” days and “healing” days.

The Peel

A recent day was one of his most difficult. We took him to the condo to do something special for his wife, but when it was time to come back to our house, he refused to leave. We have had difficulty in the past convincing him to come home, but never before had he refused entirely.

We took his wife to a friend’s house so she was safe and would not be a contributing factor. At that point, we stood by the door and quietly waited. Ben asked for help with the TV, but we didn’t help him. We said we would wait to make sure he was safe, but we would not help him live there. He sat and stared.

Eventually, he realized that he could do nothing on his own so he put on his coat and came home. Thank God!

We cling to each other and to God on the difficult days. We remind ourselves that he is safe even if he is not happy. His happiness is not our job, but we can do our best to please him within limits.

The Fruit

Today was a healing day. Ben asked to mow the lawn so he could deal with the autumn leaves. What a surprise! He mowed both the front and the back yards with minimal help. (He almost mowed the neighbor’s lawn because I wasn’t paying attention!) He was even able to start the mower several times by himself. Apparently, mowing the lawn used to be one of his favorite activities. Such a blessing! His sense of accomplishment carried over into a generally pleasant attitude all day.

On days like today, we breathe freely and thank God for the emotional respite. We see Ben’s cuteness and fall in love with him all over again. There will always be a part of us that suffers from PTSD and cannot fully enjoy the moment, but someday that will dissipate.

I have also noticed that when we have a day of respite, we forget some of the distress of the difficult days. Both he and we heal a little and have a sense of normalcy mixed with happiness.

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When a woman gives birth, she has distress because her time has come, but when her child is born, she no longer remembers the suffering because of her joy that a human being has been born into the world.

John 16:21 (NET)