I have a confession. Now that my journal is public, I find myself hesitating to fully disclose what is on my heart. I don’t want the Peel/Fruit format to sound like I’m minimizing the pain that people are feeling who are primary caretakers of someone in need. There is no way to adequately express the whirlwind of feelings that go on inside, nor wrap it into a neat package. Having recognized this, however, I hope it won’t stop me from writing or others from reading.
The Peel
The truth is that I’m generally a fairly negative and fearful person. My first response is to see the glass half-empty and project into the future a thousand possible undesirable outcomes. I mourn my loved ones and passions before I even lose them.
I’m plagued with questions that cast shadows on my future and I’m painfully aware that I have no control over outcomes. I fear that I will be trapped by limitations, that my children will have troubles, that I’ll miss out on opportunities, that I won’t fulfill my purpose in life, and that my future will be filled with pain and heartbreak.
This is my first response. And if I were facing life alone, this is where I would remain.
The Fruit
But I am not alone. Thanks to my God, my friends, and my family, I can honestly say that my worries wind up taking a back seat while thankfulness takes over. In the midst of living with my father-in-law and his dementia, helping my parents’ managing their failing bodies, leading a church small group, my teenage children sprouting wings and taking flight, my husband being unemployed, our fledgeling real estate business failing to grow, my own health struggling with an auto-immune disease, and a myriad of other worries, I have peace and joy.
I feel compelled to write this week’s entry as a sort of banner of thanksgiving. It is right to lift up those who lift me up. If it weren’t for these people in my life, I would be stuck in a Slough of Despond (*) feeling like I was sinking.
To God - When I wonder how long this will take, you remind me that you have a long-term plan for me and that this is temporary. When I see my husband suffering, you remind me that you have a long-term plan for him too and that this is how you will grow him. When my strength is failing, you send support - a friend, a promise, an understanding, a moment that couldn’t just be coincidence, could it? When I have unfulfilled expectations, you remind me that you have shown me grace and mercy instead of demanding what I cannot give. God shows me my next step and no further. But, I have enough experience to know that more will follow and that all the steps lead to something quite good.
Children / Friends - When Ken and I need a moment to ourselves, we ask and you come to the rescue. When I feel alone, you tell me that you understand because you have been in a similar place before. When I’m feeling pulled in too many directions, you text me and ask me how I’m doing. When I get too focused on my own life, you give me a break by telling me what is going on in yours.
To Ken - My love for you grows every time I see you making a sacrifice of self for the good of someone else. You give so much of yourself to your parents, to your family, and to me. It fills me with overflowing love. When I’m feeling down, you encourage me. Without a doubt, I know we are in this together and that comforts me to no end.
1 I will exalt you, Lord, for you rescued me.
You refused to let my enemies triumph over me.
2 O Lord my God, I cried to you for help,
and you restored my health.
3 You brought me up from the grave, O Lord.
You kept me from falling into the pit of death.
4 Sing to the Lord, all you godly ones!
Praise his holy name.
5 For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime!
Weeping may last through the night,
but joy comes with the morning.
6 When I was prosperous, I said,
“Nothing can stop me now!”
7 Your favor, O Lord, made me as secure as a mountain.
Then you turned away from me, and I was shattered.
8 I cried out to you, O Lord.
I begged the Lord for mercy, saying,
9 “What will you gain if I die,
if I sink into the grave?
Can my dust praise you?
Can it tell of your faithfulness?
10 Hear me, Lord, and have mercy on me.
Help me, O Lord.”
11 You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing.
You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,
12 that I might sing praises to you and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!
Psalm 30 NLT
(* “Slough of Despond” comes from Pilgrim’s Progress written by John Bunyan. I have a special memory of reading this book with my mother in my teenage years. The Slough of Despond is truly the only thing I understood and remembered from the book.)
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