“My mother always said to me, ‘Good Boy, Ben!’ She was never negative.”
I know enough about Ben’s childhood to know that he was pretty ornery as a youth. I don’t know if his mother actually used positive parenting, but it’s wonderful that he remembers her so fondly.
But, it has had other effects as well.
The Peel
We are not allowed to say No or be negative. Instead of saying, “No, I won’t drive you there,” we say, “I can’t today, but I will another day.” Instead of saying, “I can’t talk right now because I’m on a Zoom meeting,” we show him the computer screen and have him say hello to everyone in the meeting. Sometimes it turns into a huge distraction during the meeting, but it avoids a verbal attack. Instead of correcting his understanding of the game rules, we just cushion the score so he wins every time.
The Fruit
One thing I have learned from this experience is that it’s healthy to hear the word “no” in life. Positive reinforcement is good, but not as a stand alone mode of relating. Never being told no gives the impression that you should always get what you want in life.
Ben’s condition brings out the worst in him. He doesn’t have a buffer to deal with social cues or politically correct behavior. Before his disease, he had the charisma and clarity to make things happen around him. I’ve said it before that some of his success as a businessman was due to his unwillingness to take no for an answer. His high expectations and tenacity served him well in the world.
But now that Ben has dementia, he is in a constant cycle of unhappiness. He is happy when he gets what he wants but he is angry and sad when he doesn’t. That means he is unhappy most of the time now. None of us like to be told no, but let us be encouraged that it is really healthy for us. Sometimes, a negative response may be the most positive thing we can hear.
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Now all discipline seems painful at the time, not joyful. But later it produces the fruit of peace and righteousness for those trained by it.
Hebrews 12:11 (NET)
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