The thought occurred to me today, “Am I self-confident or am I insecure? I can’t tell!” It’s really weird. I used to know myself and I would have easily answered self-confident. But now I’m walking on new ground with my hands tied behind my back and a blindfold covering my eyes. One moment I feel like everything is normal, then the next moment something is wrong (though I know not what), then (if I’m lucky) back to normal again. Confident … insecure … confused.
The Peel
My teenagers love to play these card games where the rules change throughout the game. The new rules are not explained, but every time a player breaks a rule, they are punished in some way. The object of the game is to not be the last player to figure out the new rules and to not be punished so much that you lose anyway. It comes dangerously close to hell-on-earth in my opinion. However, it comes incredibly close to describing my days interacting with Ben and Thunderfoot.
Last night he asked me what time we should leave for his appointment. I said 9:30am. This morning, he was anxious to get the day going at 6:30am! (Rules changed.)
He likes his food and his plate to be hot, so I need to time it just right. I start cooking. Oops. He is walking away. (Rules changed.) He told me that he wanted two pancakes so I made him two. Now he’s upset that I didn’t make him a third one like he asked! (Rules changed again.)
He wants help on the computer, but he doesn’t want me to touch it. So, I instruct him where to click and what to do. He does what he wants to anyway. (Rules change once more.) Then he says that I don’t know what I’m doing.
And so on… I have to remind myself that I do know what I am doing, but that the rules keep changing. Even knowing what I’m doing isn’t enough to maintain self-confidence throughout the day. Insecurity creeps in and I feel unstable or shaken.
The Fruit
Empathy. Ben must constantly feel like he is walking on new ground with his hands tied behind his back and a blindfold covering his eyes. It may be a different experience than the one I’m experiencing, but I’m sure it is unsettling. One thing I have learned is that routine is extremely important. I think this is why - because a change in the routine is like a change in the rules. Poor guy. It’s no wonder he is irritable.
Lord, this is not a fun game. But, I am thankful for the chance to see through Ben’s eyes a little bit. Keep my heart humble and be with us all as we go through so many changes.
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