When I was a parent of young children, I could tell my child what to do and they would do it. I gave them a consequence if they disobeyed.
As my children grew, I had to transition to using logic and reasoning to direct them. It was tough to transition to a new way of parenting because it was unfamiliar territory. But, we did it and eventually established a new status quo.
Now they are moving out and I’m having to learn how to parent young adults through encouragement and friendship.
Although it is uncomfortable and unfamiliar, parenting a child all falls within the domain of the parent having authority over the child. But, when the parent needs to be parented by the child, it becomes very stressful. We want to honor the parent (or spouse) by giving them the respect they once had, yet convince them of their need to act.
The Peel
“Your breakfast is ready, but you need to take your pills first…” (bribery)
“Maybe if you put your hearing aids in, you’ll be able to hear what I’m saying…” (logic)
“I would prefer that you don’t eat in the living room so that chocolate sauce doesn’t get on my yellow couches…” (appeal)
“We want you to come on vacation with us…” (love)
“Try it, it’ll be fun!...” (excitement)
Hiding his sleeping pills and then putting them into his nighttime pill container after 8:00 so taking his pills early won’t mean he’ll fall asleep early. (sneaky)
The Fruit
I understand partly why it is so tempting to put a parent into a full-care facility. There, the nurses and staff have inherent authority over the patient. It is assumed that they know what is best and it may not be dishonoring to be told what to do. It’s a new relationship, so new hierarchies are natural.
But, as the spouse, child, or child by marriage, there is a pre-established relationship which defines the ranks and authority. Being the caregiver of a parent or spouse means trying to change the status quo to fit the new arrangement. It is very hard and there is no rule book to follow.
***
Oh Lord, this role change seems more stressful than all of the other outcomes of the disease. Sometimes Ben gets angry when we suggest something and sometimes he is really appreciative for our reminder. We never know how to help him, nor how he will respond to our help. Do I do this to you when you tell me what is good for me? If so, thank you for being so patient with me. Help me to trust you. Please also help Ben to trust you and trust us to take good care of him.
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