Picture yourself carrying a hand grenade. It’s not likely to explode, but there is always a part of you that is on high alert for the possibility of the pin being pulled out. Now picture carrying the explosive and not knowing if it is a hand grenade or a time bomb.
This is how it feels to care for Ben. Most of the things I write about are when the pin gets pulled or when the time has ticked down, but this is not our full experience. Much of what we go through is like carrying the bomb - it’s primed, but not exploding. We are tense, but not dodging actual debris. As caregivers, we are called to love the bomb, care for the bomb, feed the bomb, maintain peace when the bomb is exploding, and pick up the pieces left behind by the bomb.
The Peel
When you hear someone talk about the exhaustion of caring for someone with dementia, they may be talking about the high level of stress caused by carrying the bomb. Any moment may come with an explosive response. Ben may be smiling and having a good time when a thought will flash across his mind. Suddenly, he is captive to this thought and the bomb explodes.
The other day, he had a generally happy demeanor. One of his anxieties triggered him and he was suddenly yelling at my husband and trying to capsize the desk. Later that same day, he decided to change from drinking root beer almost exclusively, to drinking only water. In the same meal, he will tell me how much he likes it and then how terrible it is. Sometimes he wants to go in the car with me just to get out of the house. But, when we are in the car, he is unhappy and confused as to where we are going.
The Fruit
I think of this experience as being in a high-intensity immersion program. It reminds me of when I lived with a family in France - lots of confusion and discomfort until I learned to speak and understand the french language. But, once I learned it, I found all kinds of joy in using it in other areas of my life.
We have seen so much change in ourselves over the last 16 months. Carrying the bomb is very stressful, but we have learned how to carry it, love it, care for it, and deal with its explosions and aftermath. The old us would have exploded back when Ben tried to capsize our desk. But my husband stayed calm and weathered the storm. I was so proud of him. Eventually, the bomb defused and everything returned to normal.
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If you keep yourself pure, you will be a special utensil for honorable use. Your life will be clean, and you will be ready for the Master to use you for every good work. Run from anything that stimulates youthful lusts. Instead, pursue righteous living, faithfulness, love, and peace. Enjoy the companionship of those who call on the Lord with pure hearts.
2 Timothy 2:21-22 (NET)
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