How does a person think about (let alone write about) a man who is worthy of respect and honor, but who is consumed by a disease that breeds frustration and contempt? In my heart, I know it’s the disease that destroys, but in my eyes I see the man. Disease is an impersonal thing, but what I’m facing is an emotional hurricane.
The Peel
It is a war within me. It’s a physical war because I’m physically dealing with the effects of the disease on a daily basis. It’s an emotional war because I love my husband and I want to love his father. It’s a spiritual war because I love and honor Jesus who loves and honors Ben and instructs me to do the same. And it’s a relational war because it’s putting relational strain on everyone around him.
WIthout the disease of dementia, Ben is a faithful follower of Jesus, a successful businessman, a loving husband, a devoted father, a caring grandfather, and a fun friend. This is how he would want people to think of him and remember him after he passes. This is how I would also want to think of him and remember him after he passes. These are the things I want to be writing about in my blog about living with my father-in-law.
Yet, that is not the reality we live in today. With the disease, he can’t remember the name of Jesus, he can’t take care of himself at all, he is a burden to everyone around him, and is generally not fun to be around. How do I look past the disease and see him? How do I write about my experience with dementia without portraying Ben in the negative light? It’s a quandary.
Ben is being attacked by dementia and Alzheimers. It’s like a monster that is consuming him and whose dark presence tries to consume everyone around him. I’ll call this monster Thunderfoot. Thunderfoot walks with a heavy step, is filled with anger and confusion, and is generally unpleasant. Ben loves to laugh and make others laugh. Thunderfoot loves to scowl and make others scowl. He is angry at the world because of his condition, and he’s quick to blame the world around him for everything. Poor Ben has to deal with Thunderfoot from morning until night. We catch glimpses of the real Ben about 30% of the time and we cherish those moments. But, mostly we see and hear Thunderfoot.
The Fruit
It’s early in the morning as I write. I can hear the sound of Ben and Thunderfoot waking up. But, I’m feeling better about it after thinking about them as being separate entities. I’m not afraid to write about Thunderfoot and my life with him. I can love and respect Ben while simultaneously fearing and defending myself from Thunderfoot.
God, help me to love and honor Ben when I’m face-to-face with his monster. Help me to portray a respect for him while I write about the waged war within me. Thank you for the help you give in these pages and in those around me.
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