The older I get, the more convinced I am that time is a human construct to measure life. The longer I live with Ben, I become even more convinced that time actually quickens our death.
Two things happen in our household: time disappears and time repeats.
Time disappears by way of indistinct memories or complete failure to recall the past at all. It also loses value when planning ahead. No matter what time we said we would leave, Ben’s mode of operation is to leave right now! There is no reasoning with him about the fact that the doors will be closed or people won’t be ready. The time of day is meaningless to him.
Time repeats by way of stumbling upon a thing of the past and thinking it is something new. Finding a letter or an email from two months ago and thinking that it is a recent correspondence can wreak havoc in Ben’s psyche. Problems we dealt with then are new problems we have to deal with all over again. Or sometimes they present themselves in a new light.
The Peel
Here are a few examples. He enjoys going to church several times a week. Each evening that he knows is a church evening, he gears himself up to go after dinner. (After all, once one event is over, the next event is queued up to go, right?) He cannot understand that we need to wait an hour to leave or we would just end up sitting in the parking lot and waiting for the doors to open if we left right away.
Once, he was downright angry that he couldn’t go to the bike store to get a new bike seat in the middle of the night. (Thank God I wasn’t there for that one!)
Recently, Ben (or Thunderfoot?) came downstairs irate over the fact that I am denying my son the big money by holding him back from being a music star. It was so bizarre and out of the blue that it took me completely off guard. I confess to responding with logic and a loud voice. (I should know better!) He accused me and I defended the facts.
As it turns out, Ben had found an email that he had sent to his wife about a recent concert they had attended together with my son. In the original email, he was praising them both for taking him to the concert. In this replay event, he misunderstood the email and thought it was from the concert musician himself and that the musician was praising my son for pursuing music. It was from this launching pad that Ben’s rocket of accusations was flying. Not only was Ben reading something that was long passed, but he was also missing key bits of information.
Another time was when Ben found a letter from many months ago. The first time he received it, he misunderstood it to mean that he would be moving back home soon and that everything was going to be back to normal. When he first received the letter, we worked and worked to get him to understand its true meaning - and that he was not moving back home. Then he recently decided to clean up his room and he found that same letter again. He was convinced that he would soon be moving back home again and all would be back to normal.
The Fruit
I’m sorry, Ben. There is no “back to normal” anymore. You live in a world that is governed by linear time, but you have only cycles of moments and seasons. No one knows how long this will go on for you (and for us!), but I’m certain that you will not experience time in a linear way ever again.
When I think about my own life, I can easily get caught up in anxiety over how much time is passing while I remain at home to care for this man. If I truly have a beginning and an end, then my time is limited and I need to carefully allocate how I’m going to use it. But, if my life is a collection of moments and seasons, then my time is now, then, and again. I’m certain I can either enjoy it or learn from it. Then I will either enjoy it more or learn more from it again.
I’m also certain that we’re going to destroy papers now once they serve their initial purpose.
Ecclesiastes 3
1 For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.
2 A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
3 A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
4 A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
5 A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
6 A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
7 A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
8 A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.
9 What do people really get for all their hard work? 10 I have seen the burden God has placed on us all. 11 Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end. 12 So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can. 13 And people should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of their labor, for these are gifts from God.
Click here to enjoy The Byrds' musical rendition.
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