Time means nothing anymore. Neither historical time nor future time can register in Ben’s brain. Night and day are interchangeable at this point. It is both fascinating and exhausting for us since we are still bound to time.
The Peel
No matter how many hours we spend doting over Ben or engaging with him, his present emotion is the only thing that registers. We feed him, play with him, watch endless hours of football with him, only to receive his wrath immediately after. Though we know it is the disease that causes this behavior, it is still exhausting to invest so much energy into a bucket so full of holes.
He doesn’t understand that we can’t just go visit people who live several hours away. Everyone but his wife lives several hours away and has a schedule he/she needs to keep. Ben wants us to take him right now to visit them - “Let’s get going!” It’s exhausting to explain over and over that we have to wait for people to schedule a visit with us.
If we tell him that something is happening “next Tuesday”, it is equivalent to saying “in a few minutes”. If we schedule an in-person visit, we can’t tell him when it is. If we do, he can’t wait. If he knows that he will get to see someone in person (whether it be a doctor, a friend, or a loved one), he stays up all night pacing the house “being ready”. Sometimes we can sleep through it, but often we cannot.
Time unravels for Ben. It doesn’t exist anymore. And our strength unravels with it.
The Fruit
We keep asking God for clarity on how to best care for Ben. My husband and I are caught between launching our young adult children and caring for Ben. It feels as though we can’t properly care for either of them in our current situation.
If Ben were able to enjoy his time with us, be content with his situation, or reduce his anger, we would confidently keep him. But, because he seems so miserable and his behavior makes us miserable, we are ever evaluating the efficacy of his stay here. It may be that his time here is also unraveling.
The decision to move Ben out feels both fast and slow at the same time. We aren’t ready to give up and we aren’t ready for him to be living among strangers. We don’t want to see him go. At the same time, the decision is descending upon us. We can’t continue. It is happening whether we want it to or not. I may be gaining an understanding of what Jesus meant when he said, “a time is coming and is now here.”
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23 But a time is coming—and now is here—when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for the Father seeks such people to be his worshipers.
John 4:23 (NET)
25 I tell you the solemn truth, a time is coming—and is now here—when the dead will hear the voice of the Son of God, and those who hear will live.
John 5:25 (NET)
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