As Americans, we are told that we have choices in every area of our lives. We can choose our spouse, our career, our hobbies, how we will spend our days, what we will eat for dinner, what we will watch on TV, and nowadays what gender we want to be. Our choices seem limitless!
But, as we mature, we are struck by the realization that our choices are limited by the bounds of reality. We can only make as much money as people will pay us. We only have 24 hours in a day and we can’t fit everything into them. We are mortal and we face our mortality daily.
As we get even older, or as circumstances make us grow up early, we become fully aware of how our choices are actually being stripped away from us. As in the making of white bread, we lose so much of what makes us who we are. Yuck!
The Peel
Ben is fighting for the ability to make choices in his life. He used to have lots of choices, but they have all been stripped away. He has lost his ability to think. He has lost his ability to control his emotions. He no longer gets to choose where he lives, who he sees, what he is served for dinner, or what words to say. He can no longer operate his computer, his phone, his brain.
My situation is slightly different, but I am also struggling with the loss of choices. I used to be able to choose how to spend my day, but now I choose how to spend a few hours in the day. I used to plan dates with my husband and family vacations, but now I explain that it’s too hard to find someone to stay with Ben. I used to keep my food in the fridge, but now the top two shelves belong to him.
The Fruit
I mourn the loss. But, I can reason my way to peace and gratitude. Ben mourns the loss, too. But, he can’t think logically anymore, so he is kicking and clawing and craving what was taken away.
Most days I feel sorry for him. He didn’t ask to bear this burden. He is not actually angry at me as much as he is angry at his loss. He feels like less of a man and he’s right. He knows life is not supposed to be this way and he’s right. This type of retirement is not what was promised and he is right again.
Some days I feel his pain because it is my pain, too. It hurts to lose something we had - especially the freedom to choose. But, it won’t last forever. Either this will become my new normal and the white bread will begin to taste good, or our situation will change and whole grains will be back on the menu.
Lord, this is your loss, too. You watch your creation become plagued with disease and destruction. You see your children suffering and sad. Yet you can see the whole story and you know it ends with an eternity of love and perfection. I’m so thankful to have the hope of heaven waiting for me and for Ben.
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